SO how’s the week been going for you, David? Ah, yes – not so good. People won’t stop going on about money. The headlines are full of pound signs. And everyone has suddenly remembered just how posh and very wealthy you are.
Amid all the coverage about your dad’s tax – how shall we phrase this? – your dad’s tax-efficient ways with his money, I read a splendid quote said to date from your youth. Apparently you once said you were so advantaged you were born with two silver spoons in your mouth.
I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I like to think it is. It has the ring of authenticity, being screamingly snobbish and also quite witty. Perhaps we should all call you Two Silver Spoons from now on. You see some of us have always suspected that’s the real David. The properly posh one instead of the ordinary, run-of-the-mill-owning posh one.
There is, you see, something solidly authentic about Posh Dave; you know where you stand with Posh Dave. Usually at the other end of the room. When Two Spoons is speaking, you know what you’re getting. You might not like it but you know it’s the real deal, gold-plated.
All those other Daves are the ones who cause you problems. Do you remember when you pretended to be Green Dave? Oh we can all chuckle about that now, but you were very serious about it at the time. You even trekked off to take some huskies for a walk in the snow at the North Pole or somewhere.
Maybe it was the South Pole. Maybe it was Hampstead Heath on a chilly day. It doesn’t really matter. No one believes in Green Dave any more. Hardly anyone remembers him at all. You’ve probably forgotten him yourself. A bit like you’ve forgotten all those other inconvenient versions of your old self, like Good Old Bullingdon Dave.
But people do believe in Offshore Dave. This is the Dave who didn’t benefit from holding shares in an offshore tax haven, honestly. Why would Honest Dave do such a thing? And then you found that – oh hang on a damn Eton rifling moment – maybe you did. It took five questions for that answer to be shaken out of the hanky like a man hoping to find loose change. And you did find it. All that fuss over an offshore tax bundle of £30,000. Don’t these people have something else to write about? How about that leftie beardy bloke – hasn’t he got a scandal tucked up under his 1970s jumper or something?
The trouble is, Dave, you are forgetful about money and all that. When you mentioned your everyday sort of wealth and your salary and the house you rent out, you plumb forgot about your other house in the country. Well, these things happen. One lump or two? One house or two?
But this tax haven business doesn’t look so smart for you. Bit on the hypocritical side even. I wouldn’t read the newspapers this morning if I were you. You’re in nearly all the headlines. Even the Daily Telegraph is having a go at you, laying things on a bit thick with the old italics – “I did have money offshore.” With friends like that, David. And don’t even think of looking at that common people’s rag the Daily Mirror – “PM’S SECRET £30,000 STASHED IN A TAX HAVEN.”
How’s it working out with that crack team of spin merchants? First rule of spin club is killing the story with a single blow. Get the facts and out there and move on. The worst thing you can do is dodge and squirm all week, saying it’s private this and private that. And then finally come out and say: “Oh, look I did have a measly thirty grand squirrelled away somewhere. But do we have to keep going on about that?”
What’s that? Ah, one of the spin machinists now has two silver spoons shoved up…
And then, to top it all, in the same week you go and tell people that it’s necessary and right to spend £9 million on a government pro-Europe leaflet. How’s that playing with all those rabid Eurosceptic types you have scuttling round the skirting board in your party? Ah, yes, apoplectic you say. Well that’s the way they like to be. Being angry is what gets them up in the morning.
All this talk about how wealthy you are – and never mind how even more loaded Samantha is – really is a pain in the bottom, isn’t it. And you know, Dave, is does remind people how not like them you are. Have those spinners of yours looked up the beardy bloke’s jumper yet?