Here’s a nubby conundrum. Should my typing fingers address ‘lawless Britain’ – or go straight to the new Naked Gun film?

Oh, with a tug of reluctance, let’s start in that Nigel Farage-fabricated land where people are too scared to step outdoors for fear of being mugged.

This maliciously made-up place does not exist, as Fraser Nelson pointed out in his column in The Times: “NHS hospital data shows knife assaults last year fell to a 25-year low, with the number treated for violent assault close to half what it was in 2000. Crime surveys agree. By such measures our streets have seldom, if ever, been safer. So what’s going on?”

Oh, right-wing fearmongering, the rise of social media distortions, people’s dumb determination to believe whatever they wish and never mind the evidence, that’s what.

Nelson says that when “shrill voices dominate, hyperbole wins and Britain is portrayed not just as troubled but in ruins, terrorised by immigrant-driven crime, even close to civil war. And if the official figures show none of this? Well, then those figures must be wrong”.

Praising the former editor of the right-wing Spectator doesn’t come easily, but Nelson is right here, especially in highlighting Farage saying: “We all know that crime has risen significantly over the course of the last few years.”

Ah yes, “we all know” – the nudge-nudge politics of perception. Farage has never been interested in traditional politics; too much like hard work, too little reward. Instead, he dives into social media, flourishes endless lies and exaggerations with shabby elan, and filches policies from his hero Trump.

But, you know, I am forever saying this stuff; does pointing it out make a difference, or will too many people continue to believe the lies?

Incidentally, a Reform supporter who doesn’t know how the electoral system works has started another of those pointless government petitions calling for an immediate general election.

The petition had 639,168 signatures at the time of writing. At last year’s general election Labour won 9,708,716 votes. Perhaps the instigator of the petition ‘knows’ that 639,168 is a higher number than 9,708,716.

A counter-petition instead asks that we should: “Shove a Pineapple Up Nigel Farage’s Arse”.

Sadly, this petition seems fake and appears to be a schoolboy prank (well done that schoolboy, it certainly tickled my inner schoolboy).

Britain isn’t flawless but it isn’t lawless either. It mostly remains a pleasant, friendly and engaging country. Unless you’re a poisoned patriot; that sort hate the country they profess to love, which is odd.

Thanks to Private Eye for its spoof news story on tinderbox Britain, seen below.

OUR eldest son has a dizzy fond memory of watching the original Naked Gun film as a family. He particularly recalls me laughing my head off (something that used to happen with Tommy Cooper, too).

For me the hilarity lay in spotting where a joke was going before it arrived. Anyway, we went to watch the new one the other day with the eldest, at his suggestion.

Liam Neeson stars as Frenk Drebin Jr, alongside Pamela Anderson and Danny Huston. The film is exhilaratingly silly, breathlessly funny and the jokes swarm like witty bees, almost each one a welcome sting.

Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian praised the film as “amiably ridiculous, refreshingly shallow, entirely pointless and guilelessly crass”.

Yup, all that.

Neeson proves to be an inspired replacement for Leslie Nielsen, a hulking straight man given endlessly ridiculous lines and scenes to spin out, including a romance with Anderson, who is fab in the film.

More importantly, at one point the three of us were helpless with laughter, and our son, sitting with his long legs at the end of the row, leaned his forehead on the back of the seat in front, and howled. Another good memory.

Definitely recommended if well-honed foolishness is your thing.