I think we can all agree that Boris Johnson has been undone by the blob. This is not the woke variety, more of which in a sentence or two, but the one that faces him in the mirror every morning.

Johnson is undermined by the many flaws in his character and the fact that he was, and remains, totally unsuitable for high office.

It was always going to end in an ungodly mess, and that disarray is still playing out, even as the mop-headed deceiver makes millions from having been a useless arse of a prime minister.

So, yes, when he eyes himself in the mirror, that’s the blob he should blame.

The other blob, the woke variety, is something you never used to hear about at all. And then of a sudden, there it was. Woke blobs wherever you looked. You can’t step outside the door without tripping over a woke blob, even though no-one can be sure what exactly one might be.

If your bus is running late; if the traffic is bad; if your custard is lumpy – just blame the woke blob. After all, those right-wing snowflake commentators can’t get enough of it.

Columnists on the Mail and Telegraph and deeply obsessed with woke blobs. Here is the reliably potty Allister Heath in the latter, worrying that, “The woke blob is about to achieve its greatest triumph: its final takeover of Britain.”

Wow – something made up and non-existent is taking over Britain. You might have thought the people ruining Britain were the right-wing politicians who are actually in power. But, no! It’s that woke blob, in a double act with “cultural Marxism” (actually a far-right antisemitic conspiracy theory, but never mind, it’ll do if you’re on deadline for a column in the Mail or Telegraph).

Heath even refers in his article to “followers of Gramsci” taking over the world. No idea, so I looked him up. Ah, old Antonio ­– an Italian Marxist philosopher who, get this, died in 1937.

Blame the dead Italian leftie. Those dead Italian lefties get everywhere… and are now clearly out to get the last Tory PM but two.

In a sorry new twist, Johnson has again been referred to the police over potential rule breaches during Covid. Hilariously, and with a side-serving of karma, the government lawyers we are stumping up for discovered the new findings, which civil servants were then duty bound to hand over the police.

If Johnson had paid for his own legal advice, as he should have done, this would probably not have occurred. You are permitted to emit a loud ‘ha!’ at this juncture.

We all know that Johnson broke the lockdown rules and then lied about it. That’s just what he does. So, it’s hardly surprising that he appears to have broken or bent even more rules.

As for all this worrying about the woke blob, you have to pay to read those angry-angsty columns in the Telegraph and the Mail, and I am not doing that when I can write my own biased rubbish for free.

But still, it’s very odd all this political scapegoating. Never mind saying anything remotely adjacent to the truth, just hunt out a handy conspiracy theory.

An especially useful tip if you have been in power for years, nothing in the country is better than it was – indeed, everything is palpably worse than it was – and need someone or something to blame.

It can’t be your fault because, come off it, it never is.

And that’s where the woke blob comes in so useful. It doesn’t exist, it’s about as real as the Loch Mess Monster – and yet Tory politicians and their favoured commentators can’t get enough of it, crowding around the Messy Loch of Politics and pointing at a supposed monster that isn’t there at all.

And there you have it… a woke blog about the woke blob.