Have you ordered your Boris Johnson tea towel yet?

I see that the Tory Party has launched some official Brexit merchandise. Prominent among the charming offerings is a tea towel bearing the slogan “Got Brexit Done”.

This plonks Boris Johnson above a Britannia shield and next to a Union flag. The price for this astonishingly tasteful memento is £12, a packet for such a racket perhaps, but you will be able to push the prime minister’s mug down into the depths of your favourite tannin-stained, coffee-crazed mug.

“Got the wiping up done,” you’ll be able to say. “And I got Boris Johnson all wet and crumpled in the process, not that he looks any different.”

Using this tea towel may even prove psychologically comforting to all those Remainers crying over their washing-up bowl. I worry that the target market may already have dishwashers (either automated or human), but I am sure these things have been considered.

It is hard to see how Johnson’s supposed desire to bring us all together fits with selling such triumphalist tat. But if you’d like a magnet for your fridge, or another mug to wipe, Conservative Party HQ should be your shopping venue of choice.

Unless this is all a joke, but honestly nowadays it’s difficult to tell what’s true and what’s satire. But my research suggests this tea towel is indeed kosher.

Perhaps the Labour Party should get in on the act by marketing a Jeremy Corbyn pan scourer modelled on the dear almost ex-leader’s frown. Or the Lib-Dems could produce Jo Swinson Vanishing Cream, as that’s what she did after her hubristic tumble.

The ‘Whatever Nigel Farage is Calling His Party Right Now’ party could sell Nigel Farage odour eaters, as that man seems to be able smile and talk shit above any bad smell. Even ones he made himself; especially those he made himself.

I’d say he bears a hefty responsibility for the bad smell drifting over modern British life. But if you told him that, he’d only grin and look pleased with himself.

As for those tea towels, the sight of them is oddly depressing, and further proof that we must all be more divided than we thought. Do I really live in a country where ‘proud patriots’ would willingly shell out 12 quid for something so ridiculous?

Still, if the quality is good, they may last long enough for an as yet unborn child to one day ask when helping with the washing-up…

“Grandma what was Brexit and how did it get done?”

“Oh, dear, now you’re asking. It was all everybody talked about for years and I can’t rightly remember. My mind’s not what it was, but it was something to do with leaving the EU and fashioning a proud new future for ourselves.”

“How did that work out, grandma?”

“Oh, heavens – ask me again when you’re all grown up. It’s too soon to say yet.”


“What now?”

“Did the Honey Monster get that thing done?”

“Well, that’s what he’d like us to believe…”

Perhaps we should have some new T-shirts printed – “My country was sold down the river and all I got was this lousy tea towel…”

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