Hope you realise I don’t write this crap – as the Queen (almost) said in 1964…

It’s not mine, it’s all his – bumptious blond man, told one whoppers about why we had to shut down parliament, and now he’s engineered this stately farrago.

Honestly, one never said one wanted to be a ventriloquist’s dummy, forced to spout political chicanery. And no one told one it was a disguised Conservative Party broadcast.

Only good thing to be said about the hair-ruffling fibber is that he’s not as boring as that Labour man with the beard. Dear me, one quite nods off when he’s droning on…

Sometimes the Queen must be tempted to just speak her mind, instead of dutifully reading out a script written for her by the prime minister of the day.

This is not a new notion. As long ago as 1964, when Harold Wilson came to power, Private Eye riffed on this idea, with a Queen’s Speech cover which had Her Maj saying: “And I hope you know I don’t write this crap…”

There is something mildly grotesque about all Queen’s Speeches, but the one the Queen was required to read out today beats the stately lot. A prime minister with a minus majority rolls out the whole stuffy procedure, asking the Queen to recite a list of policies that will almost certainly never be acted out.

What’s worse, Boris Johnson was filmed leering while the Her Maj read out this political shopping list – including all that “we’ll be out of the EU by October 31 stuff”. At least Johnson didn’t get the Queen to repeat that “dead in a ditch” line. But did he have to borrow Priti Patel’s smirk, the one she is never seen without? The Home Secretary’s motto: if it isn’t smirking, it isn’t working

The official Labour Party line is that this Queen’s Speech as a “cynical stunt”, and on this Labour is right. It was all a political scaffold designed to raise Boris Johnson high in the air – as he is, but up a wobbly ladder in a gale, shouting at the wind.

I really can’t be bothered to sift through all the policies in this make-believe speech. But one should worry us. And this is the proposal to demand voters turn up with ID to vote. This could stop potentially hundreds of thousands of people voting – mostly those who are unlikely to vote Tory.

As there is apparently no widespread evidence of voter fraud, this is a self-serving policy based on urban myths about phantom voting and designed to boost the Tory vote.

Johnson is making all sorts of promises while skipping through the magic money tree forest. One minute the Tories are anti-spending and very pro-austerity; the next they’re blowing billions, mostly on filling all those holes left from that first cruellest phase.

It’s a pre-election plot designed to undermine Labour’s similarly grand spending pledges. And if voters are daft enough to swallow the bountiful Boris act, it might ever work.

It’s also engineered to trip up Jeremy Corbyn, who only really has one favourite mode: ranting about the pain caused by austerity. He’s quite right but that record sounded stuck long before Johnson started splashing cash he might not have.

Where will it all lead? Nowhere happy, is a good but gloomy guess.

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