How Boris Johnson lets us all sleep safe in our beds at night (ahem)…

I slept quite well last night, safe in my bed knowing that Boris Johnson has sorted out crime just like that, as the great Tommy Cooper used to say.

Two weeks or so into the job, and he is solving all our problems with a studied wave of his arm. Police, prisons, the NHS, education, rail transport in the north and all that time-wasting stuff about Brexit – all solved in a shake and with a Trump-style thumbs-up gesture.

As a part-time insomniac, I should be pleased with our new prime minister. He’s not giving me anything to worry about at night at all. Except that, well, it’s a miracle I wasn’t awake at 3am as often happens, my mind full of silly stuff.

Such as, well, having a rampant liar and chancer for prime minister who seems to be running away with the political agenda by promising any old shit with any old money (old money in disguise, new money that’s not been printed yet, funny currency from the forest of magic money trees that grew overnight, as if in a fairy story).

At least I can draw comfort from knowing that Boris Johnson must be awake at night, too. It can’t be possible to sleep with all that spinning going on.

Today’s edition of The Times leads off with Johnson saying: “Criminals must get the sentence they deserve.” Which is all very well – but when we will get the prime minister we deserve, instead of one hand-picked by a minuscule rump of crusty old Tories?

Johnson is falling back on the usual Tory headline-grabbing stuff and guff about crime, longer sentences, 10,000 more prison places and greater powers of stop-and-search.

Asked about proof that any of this would work, he bumbled out some line about “We’re not interested in what some left-wing criminologist thinks” – a quip more suited to his old Telegraph column than the mouth of a prime minister.

We already lock up more people than just about any other western nation. This is nothing more than early electioneering by a prime minister on the make. That’s what they all do, of course. Johnson is just even more shameless than the usual prime minister.

It’s amazing anyone swallows a slippery word. But readers of the Sun are convinced, at least according to the way the tabloid has branded an entirely unscientific readers’ poll.

This poll indicates a “massive Boris Bounce” effect for the Conservatives, according to the Johnson-friendly publication. The Sun says Johnson has wrestled back support from the Brexit party, with more than 30% of 850 readers surveyed saying they would now vote Tory in any forthcoming election – up from 13% in June.

Not sure that counts as “massive”, but the Sun is happy with its meaningless poll.

As for me, I am sure to find something or other to worry about in the early hours.

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