Well now we know… Brexit means exit

There’s a Scotsman in the kitchen stirring his own porridge and the radio is saying “No” eight times over.

The Scotsman is happy to set about making his own porridge, having on another morning offered friendly oat-shaped advice to his Sassenach host. The voice on the radio is not commenting on this porridge-making coup by a passing-through farmer but is instead reading from the morning newspapers. All those noes are from the Guardian’s headline: “Parliament finally has its say: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No”.

That octet of noes makes for a striking sight. Writing headlines about Brexit night and day isn’t easy, so top marks to whoever came up with that one. Perhaps it was my long-lost Guardian-subbing pal Ev Bramble, who used to work on the South East London Mercury with me and sometimes we shared a squash court.

This preamble is partly designed to avoid thinking about Brexit for another day. The farmer talks about many things over his self-cooked porridge; but he steers clear of the immovable topic.

That resolutely non-affirmative headline refers to the eight Brexit alternatives MPs rejected last night in an indicative vote. To be honest, and we’ve been gathered round this burning car crash long enough for honesty, I don’t really understand anything much about indicative votes.

Apparently, it’s taken from an old grammar term, co-opted by Parliament to describe a vote that doesn’t mean anything – but merely indicates something. The referendum that landed us in this muddy field by a burning car-wreck was also technically indicative rather than binding, but everyone soon forgot about that.

Photographs of Theresa May looking strained as she is chauffeured away from Parliament cover today’s newspapers. Other headlines run as to be expected, with the Sun going for: “I’M OFF! Now back my deal.”

Well, May has been off since the day she was first ‘on’, if you ask me. To echo such a sentiment, the Daily Mirror runs with: “THE END OF MAY”, hopefully adding a date of May 22.

The i newspapers goes with “Back me and sack me”, while the Express cries into its milky tea – or possibly over its morning porridge – with “WHAT MORE DOES SHE HAVE TO DO?” Might I politely suggest bugger off and find someone else to do the job. Oh, on second thoughts, have you seen the usual suspects hanging around outside?

The never less than appalling Boris Johnson has spent months dissing Theresa May’s deal but says he might back it now that she’s off sometime soon – leaving him to have another crack at the leadership. That man is so transparent you can see where he’s coming from even before he’s pulled on his crumpled shirt.

There is some sympathy for Mrs Maybe this morning, with the Sun saying she has always done her duty to her country.

Ahem, no she hasn’t – she’s done her duty to the right-wing Eurosceptics in her squabbling party; she’s done blinkered duty to herself; she’s made Brexit much more protracted and difficult than it needed to be; she’s listened to no voice than other her own with its idiotic chant of: “Brexit means Brexit”.

Oh, and before all that, while on duty as Home Secretary she introduced the vile hostile environment over immigration and cooked up the disgraceful Windrush scandal.

Anyways, she’s off even while hoping to grab onto the scuffed hem of history by securing her deal as parting gift – to an ungrateful nation; to herself? God, who can say for sure.

One thing is for sure though. In the spirit of this morning’s headlines, as far as Theresa May is concerned, “Brexit means exit.”

The Scotsman is heading off now, pulling behind his estate car a trailer-load of things bought at the auction market or off eBay. He has two more stops before home to fit other eccentric purchases into that trailer.

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