TWO things can be true in the same breath. In that spirit of parallel pondering, let’s agree that levelling up is both a good idea and an entirely cynical bit of political foot shuffling.

It’s a good idea as it could boost parts of the country long left behind. ‘Levelling up’ is what governments should do; it’s not political rocket science, just the basic duty of a responsible government (ah, yes, now you come to you mention it…).

It’s a good idea as areas blighted by austerity and serial neglect deserve something brighter around the corner. Sadly, all they will discover is Michael Gove spouting fine words and flourishing an empty wallet.

Like a man who generously promises to buy everyone a round of drinks but suddenly finds he has left his wallet at home (or had it emptied by that monetarist meanie Rishi Sunak).

What they will also discover, according to a report in the Independent, is a White Paper that appears to have been padded out by raiding Wikipedia.

As the online newspaper wrote: “The white paper includes large sections of padding, with three pages devoted to the history of Jericho, Rome, and renaissance Europe. But bits of this section appear to have been lifted directly from the popular internet encyclopaedia….”

How could such a thing have happened?

Boris Johnson: “Hey, Govey, when’s that White Paper of yours coming out about my fantastic plan to level up the country?”

Michael Gove: “It’s still a work in progress, Boris.”

BJ: “Well, get your arse in gear and progress it now, Govey. I’m in the ordure here up to my knees and I need a distraction so everyone will talk about levelling up instead of trying to do me down. I need the BBC news to be filled with a lot of waffle about my great plan instead of all those endless hours about parties I might have attended.”

MG: “Pretty sure you did attend some of them, Boris.”

BJ: “Don’t you start, Govey.”

MG: “OK, prime minister, but we need more information, something concrete to put in there, not just airy good intentions.”

BJ: “Oh, Govey, just do what we all did when we were journalists with columns to write. Go and grab something off the internet. No one will notice. Does anybody read White Papers anyway? Can’t say I have ever bothered.”

MG: “Righto, I’ll get someone on it now.”

And that’s how the media agenda ended up being hijacked, or hi-Goved, for a night by ‘levelling-up’. The BBC pliantly bent to this windy announcement, with even the local BBC Look North programme joining what turned out to be an empty party.

No so much bring-your-own booze, as that Downing Street shindig advised, but bring-your-own-news. There wasn’t much to find here.

Genuine levelling up is a serious business that costs serious money. What Johnson promises is mostly empty booster talk and no new money.

Or untold billions if you believe the press statements. Kudos to the poor, truth-mangling sods whose job it is to write those releases, as they produce more fiction than is to be found on the shelves at Waterstones.

This money-free levelling-up wheeze comes with an irony-free special offer: the Tories caused many of the problems they now boast they are going to solve, but if you don’t mention it, they certainly won’t.

The long years of austerity, the shoving of cuts on to local councils so they would get the blame, the under-investment in the NHS – all political choices made by the party that now pretends it can solve those very problems.

Oh, and should you be wondering where all the money went, don’t forget the squandering of billions on useless PPE deals, the billions in furlough fraud written off by the Treasury, and the billions blown by an ideological Brexit.

Still, at least there was money left the other day for a generous tax cut for bankers. Their coffers are going to be levelled up nicely.